What can I say other than hi, friend.  Remember me? It’s been a while.

There’s so much to say, where should I begin? First of all, I had a baby! Wow, even writing that feels so wild. It’s been a dream of mine forever to have a family and now that it’s here, it feels surreal.  And exhausting.  You know all of those things people say about sleep deprivation when you have a baby?  They’re all true.

To be honest, it was a bit of a rough start for me, though. Being a little older getting started on the family thing, the whole experience was a bit of a rude awakening.  Add in the fact that Marty was a colic-y baby and well, it wasn’t pretty.

In about the third month post partum I started having some really down days.  Really down.  All of a sudden, I was crying for no reason, feeling super anxious and had a general feeling of not wanting to do anything.  It wasn’t until Marty’s doctor literally said: “You are off the charts for post partum depression and need to talk to someone about it” that I got a good therapist and started digging myself out of the hole.  Did you know that post partum anxiety (not just depression) is a real thing?  Me either.  But that stuff is intense and will throw you for a loop believing things that aren’t really true.  It was pretty disarming.

Because I never thought PPD would happen to me, I ignored the signs and soldiered on.  But wow, it all kind of snuck up on me and showed me that you just never know. Looking back, I realize I should have known something was up when I wasn’t even slightly interested in getting back to my normal happy-making activities (painting, working on my blog + reading good books.)  I know that’s normal as a new mom with a newborn, but this was another level of disinterest.  It was a humbling experience and made me so much more aware and compassionate for those other mommas in the early days of motherhood.  It’s challenging to say the least (especially if you’re breast feeding.)

Anyway,  I’m happy to say I’m starting to come out of the fog.   It was easy for me to lose myself, especially in those early months.  Feed Marty, change diaper, put down for nap.  Repeat.  Repeat, repeat, repeat.  The days blurred together and I teetered back and forth between misery and baby bliss. I’m getting back to doing things for me too, rather than all for Marty which is all I could do in the beginning.  I still feel somewhat lost, but just talking about it is helpful and shines a light on what needs to shift.  It’s an ongoing process and I’m starting to enjoy being a mom.

SO let me tell you about the fun stuff!  Martel Christopher was born in the early morning of November 23rd and was 8 pounds 11 oz., 20 1/4 inches long.  “Marty” as we call him, is an amazingly alert and sweet baby.  He’s 4 months old now and is as strong as an ox–he has ‘happy feet’ that constantly kick.  He smiles and coos and grunts all day long as he plays on his mat.  He shows us a little more each day who he is and I’m so happy he’s mine.

Since this was my first baby, I had no idea what to expect.  I’m happy to say that this ignorance and keeping a fairly open mind helped me have a pretty easy, uneventful birth.  This picture is me about 5 minutes after delivering, I was on a total natural high.  All I could think of was: I did it!

This is one of my favorite pictures of him, still to this day.  He’s chilling in the hospital bed with me, so chunky and gorgeous.  I was so proud of what my body did to create this amazing human being.

So there you have it! I have a zillion more pictures, but I’ll spare you 🙂

There’s so much to be thankful for, I’m trying to keep my eye on that as I muddle through the sleep deprivation and trying to find my way back to myself.  It’s been amazing to watch him grow this short time, I’m looking forward to a lifetime of sweet moments with him.